Sometimes (ok, most of the times) I do not blog about the hard life stuff. Usually not because I want to hide it but because during those times most of my energy is taken from me. But, I want to make sure to give a healthy view of my life via this blog! Most things I highlight are fun and full of adventure; so duty calls! Let me share with you some hard stuff as of late.
Recently I have felt a weird paradox. God’s hand of favor upon me; but there was still tension in that. I could feel heart ache and disappointment looming in my midst. But I didn’t know what it was. My flesh felt weak, but my soul felt renewed. Makes no sense to me. I couldn’t and still kind of can’t reconcile. I have been pretty sick since November. I will spare you the details but it has not been fun. I am visually reminded daily that I am sick. These visual reminders easily bring stress of the unknown. The sights are also fertile soul for negative self talk and view of self and my body. The medicine I am on makes me feel crazy at best (Don’t worry…this is all internal….and usually involves tears…you my friends will hopefully never know!). The side effects of the medicine are also wearing. I have spent more days in bed resting these past three months than in my entire life combined (more than likely). I am also a very committed person right now. I love the commitments and various activities I serve within and as of right now feel led to stay a part of them, but that, combined with being sick becomes pretty tiresome. I have also recently shifted into a new position at work. I LOVE my new job! We haven’t hired someone to take my old position so I am balancing both responsibilities. My days have been full and although somehow it energizes me…I still feel pretty depleted.
With all of these things I don’t see an end in sight. My goal is to walk faithfully each day with the Lord. My desire is to continue to grow in intimacy with him. Growing in trust and growing in dependence. If you opened up my journal from the past month you would see these phrases over and over:
“Lord, I trust you….change my lack of faith” or “Lord I believe you….help me in my unbelief”
This week a few more disappointing things happened and I just felt worn out and sad. I kind of feel like I am under spiritual attack. It is annoying to me because I know all authority is Jesus’ and in the attack it i just creating more intimacy with the Lord. Satan knows the battle is won so I am unsure of why he would continue to fight and tear into my life. I am fine with it I guess…I’m just annoyed. I don’t have time and it doesn’t fit into my schedule to mess with the evil one…ha! Doesn’t he realize that I am a busy girl and have other important things to go about than being sick and feeling sad??? But, I am thankful to be growing in such intimacy with the Lord. I continue to feel the season of favor in blessing. Even in the glimpses of hardship.
Friday morning I woke up feeling the paradox of this season. FAVOR! – BLESSING! – SADNESS? – SUFFERING? As I postponed getting ready for work the cheesy song from junior high kept going through my head (it actually had all week long). The Lord often guides me to scripture this way so I thought I would go to the place in scripture this song is derived from.
“But we have this treasure in jars of clay, to show that the surpassing power belongs to God and not to us. We are afflicted in every way, but not crushed; perplexed, but not driven to despair; persecuted, but not forsaken; struck down, but not destroyed; always carrying in the body the death of Jesus, so that the life of Jesus may also be manifested in our bodies. For we who live are always being given over to death for Jesus’ sake, so that the life of Jesus also may be manifested in our mortal flesh. So death is at work in us, but life in you. Since we have the same spirit of faith according to what has been written, “I believed, and so I spoke,” we also believe, and so we also speak, knowing that he who raised the Lord Jesus will raise us also with Jesus and bring us with you into his presence. For it is all for your sake, so that as grace extends to more and more people it may increase thanksgiving, to the glory of God. So we do not lose heart. Though our outer self is wasting away, our inner self is being renewed day by day. For this light momentary affliction is preparing for us an eternal weight of glory beyond all comparison, as we look not to the things that are seen but to the things that are unseen. For the things that are seen are transient, but the things that are unseen are eternal.”
(2 Corinthians 4:7-18 ESV)
What an encouragement. Scripture spoke what my soul couldn’t voice. It’s like this weird paradox. I feel weak, needy, sad, hurt, frustrated but at the same time I feel so strong, sustained, depth in my soul, hope, joy, perseverance. I am able to see scripture lived out in my life in that I am always carrying in the body the death of Jesus- I am being given over for Jesus’ sake so that His life may also be manifested in my mortal body. Death is at work in me…always. But life is in me ALWAYS AND FOREVER. I will raise with Jesus and He will usher me into God’s presence. Now through the power of the Holy Spirit, but also in eternity. Therefore, I do not lose heart. I may feel like my outer self is wasting away but scripture solidifies the paradox I feel because inwardly I am being renewed day by day. These hardships are only momentary and are preparing me for an eternal weight of glory beyond anything I can imagine. My hope is to continue to look to the things that are unseen and eternal. To God be all the glory!